But like all humans I got seasoned into it. I saw a whole lot of people who stuck with their identities but lost their individuality a whole lot of people who changed their identities but could not let go off the I.
Even I had to take a call what I wanted to do. While technically it makes sense to change your name, passports, ration cards, other documents so you face less grief from our government but I was still reluctant. There was this feeling of being cut off from the roots of a big tree that always protected me all my life to a new sapling whose foundation I have to lay. I don’t know if it will offer the same protection as the big tree.
None the less I got my name changed soon after marriage but I think it was only on paper and not something that I wanted to be associated with. But today after a year it’s different, may be because I’m more confident of my roots in my new environment as well. Because like any confused 25 year old I’ve understood that marriages are not about letting go off you but building a better you. It’s not letting go off you as a person but taking on what you miss from the other. Some people keep both their names; I think that is also a great idea but rather long and a little confusing for people around.
Today I have a new name and I’m ok with it because I know it’s only adding to me, I guess if I didn’t believe in that I wouldn’t be able to accept it forever.
Don’t accept till you believe in it and it will always work!!!
1 comment:
Interesting debate - identity vs individuality. But tell me - are the two not inseparable?
My hypothesis - life is a full circle, what goes around comes around. To start with, as a child, it is the identity that is important - I am xyz's son, abc's brother etc etc. But as we grow, we start to assume an individuality - so others start to be known as my parents or my brother etc etc. And then, in our old age, we again start to be known as abc's father etc etc.
So, in my mind, the real debate is not about whether its identity vs individuality but about balancing the two and about sometimes letting go of one and embracing the other (which you let go off and which you embrace really depends upon your situation - no easy answers here!!).
If you inherit a strong identity, the struggle is always creating your individuality within that identity or sometimes creating an individuality that breaks free of the identity (Remember the hindi movie Gandhi where MKG's dies in anonymity).
If you start off by building a strong individuality, then the challenge is all about creating an identity of the individuality, much like how brands evolve in the marketplace. Eg. Shylock who is associated with money etc etc (mythological figures are a great example of this).
Either way, individuality and identity become inseparable.
Coming to your specific example of a marriage, a lot of my friends have changed their names after marriage. My wife did not.
My question, with no malice towards people who change their names after marriage or others who want their prospective wives to change their name after marriage, is -
1. Why should a girl, who has had a name for many many years, change her name just becasue she is married? Remember, its not just a name - its an identity. The values that her parents, her family helped inculcate, her perspectives on life, her emotions, her feelings - they are all a function of her family - so why should she let go? It is difficult enough emotionally for a girl in our society to get married (what with the bidaii, the tears etc) - do we really want her to let go of her name as well? The next thing we know - we ask her to let go of those beautiful memories as well.
2. Is the name change for practicality or is it really another way of men demonstrating their superiority over women?
3. Most importantly, should we not practice equality of the sexes? If a woman needs to adopt her husband's name, so should the husband also not adopt his wife's name?
Perhaps, as you said, the environment is difficult for the spouses to have different surnames. Then, perhaps, we should change the environment. Or atleast practice equality.
You know, life is tough enough anyway. Can we let go of these small issues and ask our fellow citizens, fellow human-beings to embrace us the way we are - with our names, with our identities, with our individualities, with our faults and with our strengths and love us for what we are and not for what they want us to be?
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